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Thread: Qantas Tech Log (humor)

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Feb 2001
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    on the landline, Mr. Smith
    Posts
    7,787

    Talking Qantas Tech Log (humor)

    OK, this is for all you pilots and tech support types out there that have to bite your tongue when you really wanna make a smart ass remark...

    Qantas Tech Log


    After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction.

    The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

    Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.


    ------------------------------------------------------------
    (P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
    (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
    ------------------------------------------------------------


    P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
    S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

    P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
    S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

    P: Something loose in cockpit.
    S: Something tightened in cockpit.

    P: Dead bugs on windshield.
    S: Live bugs on back-order.

    P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
    S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

    P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
    S: Evidence removed.

    P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
    S: DME volume set to more believable level.

    P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
    S: That's what they're there for.

    P: IFF inoperative.
    S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

    P: Suspected crack in windshield.
    S: Suspect you're right.

    P: Number 3 engine missing.
    S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

    P: Aircraft handles funny.
    S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

    P: Target radar hums.
    S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

    P: Mouse in cockpit.
    S: Cat installed.

    P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
    S: Took hammer away from midget.
    "Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining." -- Jef Raskin

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Aug 2000
    Location
    Concord, CA
    Posts
    7,056

    Talking Not Again

    unc,

    You have no idea how many times friends, neighbors, enemies... have emailed that one to me.

    That mouse one near the end, I was in the cockpit getting ready to fly San Francisco to London when I got a frantic call from a flight attendant in the rear galley scared to death. Thought she saw a mouse race under the right rear door slide pack. So I went back to the galley and took a look. I don't see the mouse but now I'm concerned that maybe it is in the slide pack. So I rapidly opened the door and the mouse fell out to the concrete which knocked it out. Maintenance cleaned it up and replaced the slide pack. k

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Feb 2001
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    on the landline, Mr. Smith
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    Default

    ...And here I thought this was new stuff...first time I had seen it. But then I expect pilots are on the fast track for this kinda stuff.

    Biggles will be along shortly to shoot me down too I'm sure.
    "Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining." -- Jef Raskin

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    Germany
    Posts
    2,352

    Talking

    LOL

    Thanks Kaye
    Custom Configurations! Rad Hacks and Mods!

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    UK
    Posts
    1,317

    Default

    Ack ack ack ack ack ack ack!

    Missed!

    and then there are the funny things heard on the radio...

    A Virgin Atlantic 747 is taxying out to the end of the runway for departure from London Gatwick. Behind it is a 737. The 73 will need to wait for at least 2 minutes before starting it's take-off following the 74 because of wake-turbulence. So, the 73 declares it can depart from a point part-way down the runway, ahead of the 74. That saves time.

    ATC's response:


    xxxxDeletedxxxx
    Last edited by biggles; 03-18-2005 at 03:36 AM. Reason: not for prime time
    "illegitimis non carborundum"

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